/*23 Breaths: The Search Continues*/

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Search Continues
















Photo by Servais

by search I mean my continuing search for a job
At the suggestion of  some headhunters, er, I mean
"opportunity placement professionals"
I have totally rewritten of my resume and cover letter.

In case you don't know what a cover letter is,
its the highly specialized introduction you write specifically for each position you apply for.
In other words it's an introduction that,
if you were so foolish as to actually send a hard copy of your resume
would be torn off the resume by some HR clerk before your resume is
feed into some CRR (character recognition reader) machine that scans your resume for "key words".

(If you email your resume then it is just deleted and is never input into the system)

So give this a read and let me know what you think

Dears Hiring Manager,

As you can plainly see from my attached resume I am highly qualified for the position you have been advertising for the last 14 months.  I have many years experience in exactly the software you are using and would be an asset to your staff!

There are a few items that I would like to point out for your edification regarding my skills as it pertains to this position.

I am an early riser.

I wasn't always, but the combination of years of my wife getting up insanely early every morning with a smiling face and a "shot from guns" attitude and our cat that sleeps all day and then demands to be feed every two  hours thru the night has ruined and chance of sleeping past 5 am ever again.

I won't be available to come to work that early because of the following "life style choices" I have made.

I require that I have time to surf for a couple of hours or at least check it every weekday morning.
If conditions are truly dreadfull I have a blog, on which I post the worst possible drivel, usually sandwiched in between pictures stolen from the Daily Bread.

So surfing and blogging will take up the early morning hours.

That shouldn't be too much of an issue as I am fairly worthless in the early morning hours anyway since I have been cutting back on coffee.

Now around 10 ish I take some time for my yoga practice and then a full hour of Zen meditation
Just sitting, shikantanza style, thank you very much. Either that or I surf the net for a couple of hours.
(Twitter is the crack cocaine of the naughts!)

That gets us up to lunch.

I will require a Wahoo's number one combination plate
one grilled fish taco
black beans
water with a lemon slice to drink

After lunch I like to take a nap.

I have found that a "power nap" at the beginning of the afternoon invigorates me for the rest of the workday.

So about 2:30 to 3:00 I will be available to accomplish whatever tasks you would like me to attend to in your dynamic, forward thinking, Web 2.0, customer centric work environment!

I usually try to knock off around 3:20 to be home in time for 4:20.

So not too much of a commute, OK.

I would prefer something within biking distance of  Costa Mesa.

Better still would be if you paid for a high speed (I'm thinking T1) internet connection to my house.

Now that we have covered the basics lets take a look at some of the "special needs" I have.

If there is a decent swell in the water I may need to take a few days to "deeply appreciate the bountiful harvest" that nature has provided. As this is my chosen religion preference I assume that some additional vacation days can be part of my contract. (Best to keep the ACLU and Gloria Allred out of it, don't you think?)

The number of extra days will vary season by season.
Winter, for instance will have a number of additional days required due to the additional Aleutian Juice available. additional "travel days" will be required during the winter months as most of the local sites suffer from "Island blockage".
Spring time can be a busy time for me but once again this varies year to year.
Summer can be very good and once again my require "travel days"
(I would like to discuss trading some week work days for those useless weekend summer days)
Fall may be my busiest time of year. If combo swells are accompanied by the Diablo winds I may be unavailable for extended periods.
All part of a well rounded life!

Now for compensation I will need to assure you that,
while I don't come cheep,
you get what you pay for!

At this point let's just say we are talking about mid six figures and leave the negotiations for later.

Best regards,

Prana Glider


I've sent this cover letter along with my resume to er, ing even the Journal and nothing.

So any suggestions would be appreciated. 

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have no idea why you haven't been snapped up by one of the more progressive of the international conglomerates!

Also best writing ever!

LMAO!

Love Mom

Edward Fadongski said...

best resumé cover letter ever. maybe you could make it into a madlibs style form that us slackers can download and fill in, instead of having to come up with our own witty letters. that way we can glom our super laziness onto your already quite robust laziness.

pranaglider said...

Thanks Ed! (BTW "Robust Laziness" is my new rock band)

Enjoy the new swell!

Remind me again why I live on the coast behind an island.

Anonymous said...

During each season I will need personal time off to enjoy natures goodness. If there is extra goodness I will need extra time off. If there is less than a satisfying amount of goodness then I will need extra time off to travel to where the goodness is.

pranaglider said...

Anon, thanks for the input. I will make the changes you suggest!

I have found the input received after circling back around with my Quality Circle and Sigma 6 Black Belts all pointing to the positive effects of goodness.

Glenn said...

What a great post. I was laughing my ass off. Wait, is this for real?..

pranaglider said...

Glenn,

Every word

6ftnperfect said...

they really just delete the resumes I submit online? Oh Fudge!

Surfsister said...

It took me hours to fill out an application online last night. When I was finally done, then those $#$%^@ asked for a cover letter. The only reason I didn't immediately end the whole process was because a friend (who works for the company) alerted them my resume was coming. So I did the shortest cover letter ever. I'm sure it was readily apparent that I was not amused. I stopped doing cover letters awhile back. What's the point . . . unless you've got a good one like yours?

pranaglider said...

6FAP - That's why we are where we are.

SurfSis - Feel free to use this one in the future. I seem to have a grasp of the unemployed surfer demographic.

andrew said...

best. post. ever.

Jamie Watson said...

...to be home in time for 4:20

Hahahaha! What a rascal.

pranaglider said...

Jamie, We like to eat about 5 ish, so I start dinner around 4:20 - 4:30. I don't know what you are inferring. :)

Andrew, High praise indeed! Glad you liked it. All down hill from here however. But the coffee is on and so hope springs eternal.